The next day driving in I felt bad and sick to my stomach, I didn’t want to be anywhere near the place. I cried a little on the way to help with breakfast but I gave myself a pep talk but I definitely felt different. After I finished with breakfast I couldn’t grab a nap in my car so I walked 2 laps around the center which comes out to 2 miles. I liked breathing the air and how it was still a little cool. I listened to my iPod then drove around to the opposite side of the campus and laid out my blanket and practiced my guitar. I knew that my first group had a trip planned and I didn’t want to see my ‘CTD’ if I didn’t have to so I stayed out there and read and looked at the trees until my 10:00am music therapy session.
I didn’t want anything to do with the music therapist and still don’t. I don’t feel they were professional with me so, I find it VERY hard to be professional with them. I used to eat lunch with ‘O’ and ‘K’ and a few other professional but not anymore. I didn’t fit in with them anyway, we had nothing in common so me eating with them was just another option other than eating in my car. I am still polite but if they say something to me that isn’t about music therapy they don’t get much of a response from me. If I know they are going to be around before a session I arrive as close to the start time as possible to avoid any awkwardness.
Fridays are when I have my second intern meeting of the week and of course she showed up to my 9:00am session. So, that and the fact that my residents were showing me no energy at all my session was a little basic. I had no staff in the room for most of the group so I may have not been high energy like I usually am and I was doing a lot of hand over hand things. So the whole time she sat in the corner on her blackberry and writing on her pad (her pad that I saw at the end and there were nothing but doodles on). One of my residents usually says he’s not ready to play instruments and he did the same this morning when I didn’t my energetic “Are we ready to play instruments today!!!!” I acknowledged him not being ready because he’d rather still be in bed and I moved on to bringing out the instruments. So, she got on me about still going on to instruments when there was client saying that’s not what he wanted to do.
It cam to my intern meeting at 11:15 and she started off by saying that she didn’t feel my high energy that morning and if it was about the meeting two days before that made me that way. I didn’t really have an answer for her, I told her I didn’t think my energy was 100% but that I thought it was still high. She told me I needed to use a different formula than I usually do for sessions, which is cool because that sounds like constructive criticism to me. Then it seemed like she kept bring up the last meeting. She wondered why at the end when they asked if I had anything to say that I said no. She said you could have at least said you were angry or something. The truth is anything I would’ve said wouldn’t have come out nice and no matter what she said there would have been repercussions for me saying “when have you ever seen me on my phone and if you want me to keep my phone in my car all day then you do the same!”
She asked me again if I had anything to say about the last meeting. I had so much that could have flew out my mouth, #1 why couldn’t it have been in a regular meeting, actually why couldn’t it have happened during a regular meeting time why did they have to pull me out the middle of me doing a class and hour before my normal meeting time? Why did all three music therapist have to be there, why was it an ambush? She said all this stuff about how I could say how I felt with this smirk look on her face but I know it would have cause more problems. I’m pretty sure the other music therapist told her how I’d been acting towards them and now eating lunch with them and by saying I didn’t have anything to say about what happened is kind of giving up my rights to complain in the future. I really need to just get through these last 3 weeks, down to less than 200 hours, I have to keep my eyes on the prize.
She then went into asking my why do I want to be a music therapist and what will I do if I don’t do music therapy and what I think makes a good music therapist. But, after her bringing up the last meeting again and the things she said about it I wasn’t being real receptive to those questions and she got pretty text book answers from me. She then told me that she didn’t think I was serious before but now she thinks I am…which isn’t the case at all. The only thing that is different now is I want to get away from them. Every Tuesday I have to fill out an evaluation and the first question is “What is your level of motivation?” The past six months it’s been very motivated but seriously right now I feel it’s -2 extremely unmotivated, but I’m still going to write that I’m motivated and I’m sure she’ll have some negative comments about me saying I’m still motivated. But I can say I’m unmotivated and have to explain why or say I’m still motivated and her just tell me that I’m not.
‘K’ always tries to make small talk with me, I give a little smile and look in another direction or leave a polite amount of silence and go back to playing the piano. On Friday I was sitting outside and she came and sent on the bench across from me, she asked how I was doing. I wanted to not answer her but with my sunglasses on I looked at her and said good. Why would she ask me that question anyway, she didn’t care before. At one point she asked me if I had any special plans for the weekend….well lets see you were in the meeting where she handed me all this work to do this weekend and you know I have no friends or family within four hours, what do you think I’ll be doing??? But I told her I’d be doing nothing much. She talked about some random things that I don’t even remember while I looked up at the sky. It’s like when someone needs to talk to someone so they talk about random things, that’s what she was doing. I never commented on what she was saying, after a little silence I looked down at my arms, said they were burning and that I was heading inside.
*3 weeks left*
