I’ve been away from my blog for a while since the end of my internship, I think I walked away from everything for a little bit. But, it’s New Years Eve and I couldn’t help but thinking where I was this time last year. I had just moved into my apartment 5 1/2 hours away from home and 4 hours away from school and I was nervous and excited at the same time. There were some things I might have not gone into great detail about since I filed a grievance against her and there was an investigation going on because of it. But in the new year I think I’ll be ready to talk about my feelings about the whole thing, what I’ve been doing since, what’s been going through my head, and the plans for the future. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and has a great start to their New Year!!!!!
Aftershocks
The next day driving in I felt bad and sick to my stomach, I didn’t want to be anywhere near the place. I cried a little on the way to help with breakfast but I gave myself a pep talk but I definitely felt different. After I finished with breakfast I couldn’t grab a nap in my car so I walked 2 laps around the center which comes out to 2 miles. I liked breathing the air and how it was still a little cool. I listened to my iPod then drove around to the opposite side of the campus and laid out my blanket and practiced my guitar. I knew that my first group had a trip planned and I didn’t want to see my ‘CTD’ if I didn’t have to so I stayed out there and read and looked at the trees until my 10:00am music therapy session.
I didn’t want anything to do with the music therapist and still don’t. I don’t feel they were professional with me so, I find it VERY hard to be professional with them. I used to eat lunch with ‘O’ and ‘K’ and a few other professional but not anymore. I didn’t fit in with them anyway, we had nothing in common so me eating with them was just another option other than eating in my car. I am still polite but if they say something to me that isn’t about music therapy they don’t get much of a response from me. If I know they are going to be around before a session I arrive as close to the start time as possible to avoid any awkwardness.
Fridays are when I have my second intern meeting of the week and of course she showed up to my 9:00am session. So, that and the fact that my residents were showing me no energy at all my session was a little basic. I had no staff in the room for most of the group so I may have not been high energy like I usually am and I was doing a lot of hand over hand things. So the whole time she sat in the corner on her blackberry and writing on her pad (her pad that I saw at the end and there were nothing but doodles on). One of my residents usually says he’s not ready to play instruments and he did the same this morning when I didn’t my energetic “Are we ready to play instruments today!!!!” I acknowledged him not being ready because he’d rather still be in bed and I moved on to bringing out the instruments. So, she got on me about still going on to instruments when there was client saying that’s not what he wanted to do.
It cam to my intern meeting at 11:15 and she started off by saying that she didn’t feel my high energy that morning and if it was about the meeting two days before that made me that way. I didn’t really have an answer for her, I told her I didn’t think my energy was 100% but that I thought it was still high. She told me I needed to use a different formula than I usually do for sessions, which is cool because that sounds like constructive criticism to me. Then it seemed like she kept bring up the last meeting. She wondered why at the end when they asked if I had anything to say that I said no. She said you could have at least said you were angry or something. The truth is anything I would’ve said wouldn’t have come out nice and no matter what she said there would have been repercussions for me saying “when have you ever seen me on my phone and if you want me to keep my phone in my car all day then you do the same!”
She asked me again if I had anything to say about the last meeting. I had so much that could have flew out my mouth, #1 why couldn’t it have been in a regular meeting, actually why couldn’t it have happened during a regular meeting time why did they have to pull me out the middle of me doing a class and hour before my normal meeting time? Why did all three music therapist have to be there, why was it an ambush? She said all this stuff about how I could say how I felt with this smirk look on her face but I know it would have cause more problems. I’m pretty sure the other music therapist told her how I’d been acting towards them and now eating lunch with them and by saying I didn’t have anything to say about what happened is kind of giving up my rights to complain in the future. I really need to just get through these last 3 weeks, down to less than 200 hours, I have to keep my eyes on the prize.
She then went into asking my why do I want to be a music therapist and what will I do if I don’t do music therapy and what I think makes a good music therapist. But, after her bringing up the last meeting again and the things she said about it I wasn’t being real receptive to those questions and she got pretty text book answers from me. She then told me that she didn’t think I was serious before but now she thinks I am…which isn’t the case at all. The only thing that is different now is I want to get away from them. Every Tuesday I have to fill out an evaluation and the first question is “What is your level of motivation?” The past six months it’s been very motivated but seriously right now I feel it’s -2 extremely unmotivated, but I’m still going to write that I’m motivated and I’m sure she’ll have some negative comments about me saying I’m still motivated. But I can say I’m unmotivated and have to explain why or say I’m still motivated and her just tell me that I’m not.
‘K’ always tries to make small talk with me, I give a little smile and look in another direction or leave a polite amount of silence and go back to playing the piano. On Friday I was sitting outside and she came and sent on the bench across from me, she asked how I was doing. I wanted to not answer her but with my sunglasses on I looked at her and said good. Why would she ask me that question anyway, she didn’t care before. At one point she asked me if I had any special plans for the weekend….well lets see you were in the meeting where she handed me all this work to do this weekend and you know I have no friends or family within four hours, what do you think I’ll be doing??? But I told her I’d be doing nothing much. She talked about some random things that I don’t even remember while I looked up at the sky. It’s like when someone needs to talk to someone so they talk about random things, that’s what she was doing. I never commented on what she was saying, after a little silence I looked down at my arms, said they were burning and that I was heading inside.
*3 weeks left*
What To Do Now
So this has happened and I don’t think it’s fair, now what am I going to do about it. I talked to some people about what happened and I got a response to report her to the person over her head. A recreational therapist also told me that she told him it’s a goal of hers to make every intern cry before they leave. I feel like since things she’s said to before didn’t seem to affect me that she assumed getting all three of the music therapist in there with me would do the job. If I had known this was a goal of hers that ‘emergency meeting’ would have gone a lot different, I think it’s pretty safe to say I would’ve gone a little crazy. I would want her to think twice about ever doing that to another intern again in her life. She has small children how in the world would she feel if someone in a position of educator to her kids did exactly what she is doing.
She has got to be in her late 30′s and 40′s and the fact that she does this to college age interns really outrages me! Why would she even take interns if this is all she plans to do to them? I feel like she doesn’t deserve to train interns because she does this on purpose. If she wasn’t holding my grade or extending my internship longer or the fact that I could have to start part of my internship over some place else I would have definitely written my advisor and gone over my clinical training directors head to tell that person what had happened and let them make up their mind if they want someone working for them doing that. I’d never want to put someone’s job in jeopardy and I know she does a lot of advocating for those music therapy positions at the facility.
This internship site is on the AMTA (American Music Therapy Association) National Internship Rooster and because of that I really wish that the national organization sent out evaluations to people who have done there internships at these sites. I just don’t want any intern to have to be treated like this or how interns in the past have been treated. An example I’ve heard is them all writing in thick red pen on someone’s final paper in front of her then balling it up and throwing it in the trash. That just doesn’t sound very…professional to me and, I don’t think the meeting they had with me was very professional either. think she might hand me some sort of evaluation to me at the end, but I’m not slow, having me do an evaluation they can see before my grades are turned into my professor wouldn’t be the best move. I do know that after my grades are in I will be writing my professors letting them know some things that happened because I just think they should know and I wouldn’t want them to encourage anybody else to apply for this internship.
I still don’t know exactly what I should do or what I will do, all I know is I don’t want anybody else coming here to learn, moving away from their family and sometimes away from everything they’re familiar with like me to be treated like this. I don’t know if it’s their way to toughening up their interns but I for one don’t need any more toughening up. One day I believe they will get an intern that is not so emotionally stable and they will regret backing them into a corner or attacking them.
The Emergency Meeting: Part 2
My intern project is a job proposal to make a music therapy position…the rough draft of which I turned in two months ago. She handed it back with corrections which is what I expected because well….I’ve never written a proposal before!!! She hand it back with an attitude saying that there’s a lot of things that needed to be fixed and it needs to be in on Monday and I better not hand in anything in my last week and think my internship will be finished. That’s fine and all and understand she doesn’t want things the last-minute but she had it for such a long time, to turn it around and make it seem like I handed in things the last-minute is wrong.
There was an incident in my class two weeks ago where staff excused a resident to go to the bathroom and didn’t realize how long he’d been gone, yes, it happened at the end of my class but the music therapist blamed it on me. They kept on saying how I wasn’t owning what I was doing and it was my responsibility. I am not the one that excuses this client to the bathroom and the staff are supposed to do head counts every fifteen minutes. They went on to ask me who exactly was the staff in the classroom at the time, of course I did not remember what staff was in my class 2 weeks ago, I’d like to ask them who was the exact staff in their classroom 4 days ago! Then they went on to say that their staff must have not trusted me and she doesn’t feel comfortable passing my internship if staff doesn’t even feel comfortable enough to leave me alone with a group for two minutes to take someone to the bathroom. I was then asked by my internship director when did I realize he was missing, I said I didn’t. So, I was blamed for the whole thing.
I have another group whose staff hates bringing them up to class (they like to work on their tans out in the yard). I see this group 3 times a week and one time I didn’t see them for a month and a half because they were on trips or doing things at their living unit. That doesn’t make any sense for a group I’m supposed to see three times a week. I expressed my frustration at this and was told to call them and make them come to class if that’s what I wanted to do. So, after 2 weeks of having to call this group three and four times a day to come to a scheduled class and dealing with pissed off staff or staff giving me the run around, I really didn’t care any more. For example: I would call and they would say yes, we’ll be there. Time for class would come and I would call again “oh we’re running a few minutes late but we’ll be there”. Half way through class, “yes, they’re coming and will be there in a second,” then they’d never show up. The final straw was one day they hadn’t left their living unit all morning because they were pressing flowers, so that afternoon I think to myself of course they’d be done. Their music therapist ‘O’ passed me in the hallway and said “Oh they won’t be coming to class because they’re pressing flowers,” I made a comment about how they had been doing that all day why couldn’t they come to class and her response was “well! that’s their living unit project, what do you expect them to do???” So….after I realized I had no one on my side my thought were if they came to class they did and I’d be there and if they didn’t that’s fine too I’d still be there.
So of course they yelled at me on Tuesday about not making them come to class
I’m supposed to keep a journal, (that she’s had since my midterm by the way). And, back in March I wrote about how I was bored in ‘O’s handbell group and how I wanted to be more involved. So of course….they bring it up now. ‘CTD’ says me and ‘O’ were very offended, ‘O’ says “well I wasn’t offended”, ‘CTD’ say “oh yes we were, how dare you say her class was boring….”and she goes on. I think she took what I was saying out of context, the point of what I was saying is that I didn’t want to sit there I wanted to be involved. She then informed me that I’d be running both handbell groups that day and I better be 100% and she better not be bored. I ran both hand bell groups that day which I really enjoyed, it’s really what I wanted actually.
I’m sure there are more comments that I left out, more threatening to extend my internship which wouldn’t bother me. My lease is until December and my Music therapy job will still be waiting for me. They said that maybe music therapy isn’t the field for me and she can’t stop me from sitting for the board exam but she can right a recommendation that I not continue in this field. All that kinds of good stuff then they turn around and say they can’t really say anything bad about the music therapy side of things.
This was a big chunk of the ambush meeting
Cooking Club
Another frustrated post. Since January I have been helping with cooking club which is run by one of the music therapist. Once a month they plan a meal, go shopping, cook it and eat it together. I even do sessions for one of the music therapist on these days while she prepares. This month they decided to go to a Japanese steak house which she had brought up to me and talked to me about before. So, at the lunch table on Monday ‘O’ asked two of the guys that eat lunch with us if they’d like to go, then she said “okay that’s good we’ll have 5 staff and 5 residents” and she went through all the names and didn’t add me in staff.
I admit I think that’s pretty messed up to ask these guys that haven’t helped out with cooking club in the past 6 months to go instead of me that has been there every time.
It’s cool though….they are making it very clear how they feel about me.
The Tides Have Turned
Well, I know it’s been an extremely long time since I’ve posted, I really have so much to say, almost don’t know where to start. I’ll jump in, in another post hopefully today. Right now I’m looking at a beautiful grassy field I’m about to relax and stretch my blanket out on and practice guitar and singing.
Easter Sunday
About 3 weeks ago my next door neighbors dad invited me to his church and I hadn’t been yet and had planned to go for Easter. Earlier this week when I was coming in the guy from next door invited me to his church and said his son was getting baptized so I definitely made up my mind to go. The father started a conversation with me while visiting his son. I was unloading my guitar out the car and he was outside smoking a cigarette. He invited me to come and sing and I told him I was a horrible singer, he said everyone can sing. Little did I know when I walked in that church what a voice he had. It was amazing and the first song of the service and one he sang solo was In The Garden. A song I’ve only known in the past 2 months or so and I can never seem to get all the way right. His singing was so beautiful and his voice so rich and soothing, not like my raw and harsh voice. He had lead parts in most of the songs sung ans music during worship is really important to me and needless to say I’ll definitely be there every Sunday I’m here.
The church was very different then my one at home, a very small country church, reminding me of churches in other country towns. Not perfect but I liked it. The sound system was no match for all the kids crowded in there especially after they decided it was a good idea to hand out candy in the middle of service that some parents didn’t want them eating right away. The mic at the pulpit wasn’t the best and all the other announcements I halfway heard over the clankity clank of dress shoes and heels on the loud wood floor. I liked it thought, it was cozy and I liked the hour church service compared tot he 3 hours I sit through at home, lol, which I will gladly sit through of course. (I also thought the song selections were too short I could’ve sang and clapped and listed a few more minutes on each song.
We took communion which was approached differently than in my home church but I am Baptist and this was a United Methodist church. At the front they had a loaf of bread and cups of juice, at first I thought everyone was taking sips out of the cup and I panicked. I knew drinking after all those people would be something that I wouldn’t be able to do. but, upon closer inspection they were just dipping the bread. I guess the older men that went first just needed to get a little closer to the glass to see, lol.
My neighbor’s son was baptized it was beautiful of course. They called the family up and his dad is married, darn!!!! (lol, just joking, I appreciate everyone that’s still married) but that voice, I can add it to my list of likes in future mates. Before I get too off track, lol, it was a very good day and even though I’ve only been to this church once and no one really talked to me they just kind of moved around me with some polite nods I know that by the time I leave I will really miss this church 
Church
Okay so this weekend was this months weekend activity, the theme was march madness. It took place in the gym, half the gym was showing the St. Mary’s game and the other half was basketball games where the residents could watch others compete and wine prizes.
I was running on of the games, but we hadn’t started yet. There were some people practicing shooting hoops and I see this staff member make a B-line towards me, I don’t remember seeing him before. He says that he’s seen me around and he ask how long I’ll be around. I tell him until around June. He says he’s the pastor of a church and he invites me and that’s cool, a lot of people have invited me to their church since I’ve been out here.
I ask him the name of the church, what town and when did service start and made a mental note of it. Then he asked me if I had pen or paper, which I know I didn’t cause I had gone to the bank after we had finish setting up that morning and never found one. He said he would find some, write down the information and get back to me, I said okay, that sounded fine.
So near the end of the event he comes back around with this little scrap of paper with his numbers on it then is talking about meeting up at the McDonalds first. I politely decline and tell him I’ll be able to find the church but he just insist that I meet him at the McDonalds and follow him 20 minutes to his church. I found this all rather weird, meeting someone then following a stranger to minutes to his church. I really am in the middle of nowhere, this could have been some church in the woods or something.
He ask for my number which I shouldn’t have given him but I didn’t see a way out. I was looking around for someone to rescue me but no one seemed to be around. If I could remember my land line number I would have given it to him because I never hear that ring anyway. I wrote down my cell phone number and reluctantly gave it to him. He said he’d call me the next morning and for me to call him if anything had changed. At that point I hadn’t decided I wasn’t going to pick up the phone, but I had decided I wasn’t going to drive 45 minutes to go to his church.
Then everything about our conversation sounded weird to me, why would he be so interested if I had family or friends in the area? That’s a kidnappers type of question I though. Why wouldn’t he let me drive to the church by myself, why was he being so pushy about me going to his church when he knew it was a long distance for me to drive???
Needless to say, Sunday I ignored his phone calls which wasn’t hard to do since I rarely hear my phone ring when I’m sleep. I felt a little bad ditching someone over a church service. In the gym is the first time I remember seeing him but he said he’d seen me around. I now only hoped it would be another three months before I ran into him on campus again. I had a very strong feeling that, that wasn’t going to be the case…
I knew it wouldn’t be that hard to find me because during the day I’m in one of three music rooms. I’m practicing before one of my groups comes in this morning and guess who just pops into the music room. It’s him, older guy with squinty eyes. I was hoping he’d just get the point that I didn’t feel comfortable going…but he didn’t. He said he called (he left a couple voice mails actually) and he figured the weather was kind of bad (it wasn’t, it wasn’t even cloudy at that point). He then informed me that this week they are going to another church but he’ll be in contact with me for the week after so I can go to Easter service.
So….I’ll be making sure that I’ll be at my neighbors dad’s church that sunday, or even better my church at home. I love church, love God, am a church member and have been baptized but his pushyness has definitely scared me.
What Now
The thing I don’t want to deal with the most is probably the thing I should be dealing with the most. As of today I’m not able to take Anatomy and Physiology at the community college where I wanted to take it and where I’m already enrolled. Graduation is fast approaching, don’t even know if it’s possible for me to graduate. Once again I can hear my advisors “I told you so’s” I needed to regroup from hearing the news, at least until after I ate, because being stressed and eating didn’t seem like a good idea.
My mom is stressing me about graduation and if I want a party almost every other day. I told her I might not graduate until August but she’s still pushing it. I’ll get it together and get it together quickly. It’s times like these where I think to myself, maybe this just isn’t for me, even though in my heart I don’t really feel that way. I could walk away now and get a teaching job, heck, I could babysit kids in my living room, do scrapbooks for people, you know? One of those what’s really the point of it all attitudes.
How can I feel like I doing extremely bad and extremely good at the same time…
